smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
