listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
