HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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