nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm like, not good at living.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
