I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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