I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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