Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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