My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
