somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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