I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
