I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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