I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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