She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
