The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
