He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
