Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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