I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
