a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
