Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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