Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
