Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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