I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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