Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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