I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can't motorboat a personality
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
