I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
