after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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