you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
