The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
