You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
