Don't make out with my wife yet
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
