Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
