i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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