I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
