I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
