I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
