apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
