Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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