Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
