How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
