I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
