Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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