he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
