he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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