Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
