Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
