So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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