wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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