Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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