If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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