Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
