My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
