The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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